Who is the “Inner Child”? Adapted from an article “Tools for coping with Life’s stressors” Coping.org
The “Inner Child” is the:
- Little child you were who desired to be nurtured, cared for, and loved. This child still resides within you as an adult.
- Free spirit, pixie, and elf you have tamed and controlled, yet who resides within you.
- Emotional and sensitive you whom you have channeled, controlled, and silenced and who is still living within you.
- Creative, imaginative, and artistic you who has been molded, structured, and organized; who still resides in you and is needing to be set free.
- Hurt, pained, neglected, frustrated, abused, and ignored you whom you have masked, hidden from view, and denied the existence of. This child is always just below the surface, causing you to be anxious, worried, and fearful of mistreatment.
- Fun loving, happy, frivolous, joyful, humorous you when you were young and unsophisticated; that person you have replaced with a sophisticated, mature, serious, task oriented demeanor.
- Childhood you have lost or forgotten; yet it still resides in you, dwelling in your subconscious.
- Person who knows how to have fun and play for play’s sake; who can help you prevent burnout and manage the stress in your life.
- Person you could be as an adult if you lightened up, let go of your seriousness, overcame your fears, and accepted flexibility and change in your life.
How does the “Inner Child” come into being?
The “Inner Child” comes into being by:
- Denial of the person we are.
- Trying hard to live up to others’ expectations.
- Holding back our child-like responses, while we provide adult like responses to stress.
- The fear of being “found out” about how we really feel.
- Insecurity in the midst of chaos, confusion, or the vacuum of repressed feelings.
- A sense of obligation to always “look good” and “be good.”
- Inexperience at being loved for “who you are” rather than for “what you do.”
- Not being given the role model of how to “enjoy” life and to have “fun.”
- Always having to be “serious” about life.
- A lack of encouragement to broaden our scope of vision about the “potentials” in life.
- The stress of staying vigilantly in the “here and now” so that we stay in control and the “walls didn’t come tumbling down” around us.
- Never being given or taking the freedom to “play” and act “childish.”
- Not being given role models of how to take pleasure out of the “little” things in life.
- A compulsive drive to fulfill our “role” in our family.
- Not recognizing that we can make “choices” in our lives to make it what we want it to be.
- Continuing even now to follow our “compulsive” role(s) rather than choosing to change and be free from the restraints this compulsion creates for us.
- Silencing our “inner child” and guarding ourselves, retreating behind “masked” barriers.
When as adults we choose to suppress the memory, needs, and desires of the “Inner Child” we run the risk of:
- Never learning how to feel normally.
- Never learning how to play and have fun.
- Never learning how to relax and manage stress.
- Never learning how to appreciate life. We would rather work at living.
- Taking ourselves too seriously.
- Feeling guilty over not being “good enough,” driving ourselves to work harder to be “good enough.”
- Becoming workaholics.
- Not enjoying our family life with our children.
- Being suspicious of people who enjoy life, have fun, and know how to play.
- Social isolation, afraid to get involved with other people for fear we will be found out to be inadequate, not normal, or a misfit.
What are the signs of activity of the “Inner Child”?
We know our “Inner Child” is active when we:
- Lose ourselves in frolic and fun.
- Cry at a sentimental movie or TV show.
- Over-indulge our own children.
- Enjoy playing with children’s toys.
- Love visiting Walt Disney World or other theme parks designed for children.
- Seek out adult toys to play with.
- Cry or grieve as adults for the losses we experienced in our past.
- Still seek to please the senior members of our families of origin and our extended families.
- Get sentimental looking at old photo albums, home movies, or scrap books about our childhood.
- Experience the same intensity of feeling we had as children as we role play or act out experiences from our past.
What nurturing messages can you give your “Inner Child”?
You can tell your “Inner Child” that it is OK to:
- Have the freedom to make choices for itself.
- Be “selfish” and do the things you want to do.
- Take the time to do the things you want to do.
- Associate only with the people you want to associate with.
- Accept some people and to reject others.
- Give and accept love from others.
- Allow someone else to care for you.
- Enjoy the fruits of your labor with no guilt feelings.
- Take time to “play” and have “fun” each day.
- Not to be so “serious,” intense, and inflexible about life.
- Set limits on how you are going to relate to others.
- Not always “serve” others.
- Accept others “serving” you.
- Be in charge of your life and not let others dictate to you.
- Be honest with others about your thoughts and feelings.
- Take risks and to suffer the positive or negative consequences of such risks.
- Make mistakes, laugh at them, and carry on.
- Let your imagination and creativity be set free and to soar with the eagles.
- Cry, hurt, and to be in pain as long as you share your feelings; do not repress or suppress them.
- Be angry, to express your anger, and to bring your anger to some resolution.
- Make decisions for yourself.
- Be a problem solver and come up with solutions with which everyone may not agree.
- Feel happiness, joy, excitement, pleasure, and excitement about living.
- Feel down, blue, sad, anxious, upset, and worried, as long as you share your feelings.
- Love and be loved by someone whom you cherish.
Be your “Inner Child” and to let it grow up, accept love, share feelings, and enjoy pleasure and play.
Now that you have identified your “Inner Child,” answer the following questions:
- How would you describe your “Inner Child?”
- When did your “Inner Child” go inside? Can you recall a specific time or event that occurred?
- Can you identify some of the negative consequences of suppressing your “Inner Child?”
- How open are you to enjoying the little things in life?
- What part does fun play in your life?
Learning How to Enjoy the Small Things in Life
Open yourself to experience joy at being alive by taking the following steps:
- Open your eyes to the beauty and majesty of nature about you, e.g., paint photographs or simply observe sunrises or sunsets, a body of water, listen for bird calls, try to distinguish the different sounds, plant a garden and watch it grow.
- Expand your “sensory” vocabulary. Try to experience life through all of your senses, use sight, sound, smell, and touch to explore and describe the experiences in your life.
- Explore the natural environment, e.g., take a walk on the beach, relish natures wonders, take a walk on a wooded trail, enjoy the moonlight, the stars, search out natures’ magic.
- Begin to slow down and let go. Enjoy children, pets, the aroma of food. Listen to music, enroll in a “fun” class, enjoy the human side of those in your life, develop a sense of humor, a new hobby.
Learning How to Play
The following tips can help you learn to play:
- Let go of any guilt feelings you might have about indulging yourself in “play” activity. Redefine the role of “play” in your life. Restructure your life activities, and include some play time.
- Define some “acceptable” play activities you would be willing to experiment with over the next year.
- Be spontaneous and let go of the need for “rigidity” in the ways you play. Let your “child” out and freewheel through your playtime.
- Don’t stifle your “child-like” responses to a “play” activity. Loosen up and let go of the need to be “mature.”
- Don’t worry about your “public image,” as long as what you are doing harms no one. Vent gut-level frolic responses to your play activity.
- Learn to be your own best friend.
- Frolic and have fun without the use of artificial stimulants (drugs, alcohol, etc.)
- Let your “responsible adult mind set” have a vacation. Practice looking at life with a child’s perspective. Imagine how a child would view play. Let the sense of wonderment, excitement, imagination, make believe, and creativity reign.
- Laughter is therapeutic and essential if playing is to be fun. Learn to let go of a good belly laugh.
- Playing requires the use of fantasy. Let your fantasy life emerge and grow. Use imagination and visual imagery to broaden the scope and expand the boundaries of your “play.”
- Take a risk and set up a “playtime” for your “inner child” in a family-like situation where you can play outdoors with children, e.g., have a food fight, a water sprinkling war, play Rover Red Rover, dodge ball, etc.
- Give yourself a child’s party. Invite your friends to bring their “inner child” to a party in which you indulge in children’s games, e.g., pin the tail on the donkey, musical chairs, bobbing for apples, hopscotch, jacks, etc.
If you still find yourself suppressing your “inner child”, return to Step 1 and begin again.